This is me.

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So this is me. And I’m finally getting used to it. These pictures were taken in my car after work, early in the morning. No make up…no filters…just me.

Not that I ever wore very much make-up. Just some eye liner, a little blush on my eyelids so the liner doesn’t bleed and create the dreaded eye lid schmear. But somehow as I move about the world I feel sloppy and unfit for social interaction without my eye liner and maybe a smudge of tinted lip balm. My raw face, unpainted and un-fussed is abrasive, or even offensive.

I don’t really use Facebook these days. Its all about Instagram for me. Pictures, pictures, and more pictures. And though my feed is mostly food, travel, and tarot, I am not immune to images of woman, hair burned, teased, and tossed into shiny submission. Faces scrubbed, buffed, Β and contoured. Clown contouring…I shit you not, it’s a real term…if you’ve never heard of it, google it. And don’t you dare leave the house without coloring your eye brows in!

It feels like what used to be dress up has now become daily life. There’s the me that I wake up to, rubbing the crust out of my eyes, driving to work, eating an entire container of dried mango for breakfast and lunch (Hey its healthy right? I got it at Mom’s Market!). Then there’s internet me, a cartoon with perfect shiny cascading waves of hair, chiseled cheek bones, a tiny nose, and a perfect body, despite the cocktails I drank last night or the burger that I ate.

Look, I respect the idea that make up has become an art. And with the help of You Tube I can transform myself in a way that was previously reserved for Hollywood starlets and pop stars. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I have become addicted to Snap Chat filter selfies. I love seeing my face morph into a bunny, dog, or deer. I like to get dolled up to go out…do my hair, make my liner wings sharp, get my nails done.

There are consequences though. Since most of us are spending inordinate amounts of time on our phones…these painted faces and hair extensions are blending into reality. I forget what real hair, real faces, and bare skin looks like. Real raw women with no filters. And since we document everything we do now on our phones, we have to be camera ready at all times. We are all performers now. We are presenting instead of experiencing.

In starting this blog I was really worried about how I would find my real voice. I wanted to make sure that even if nobody ever reads this, I put myself out there. So I took these selfies. And I looked at them. I looked at them again and again until I started to see myself. Until I started to see a thousand reasons to love this face, this person.

This is me.

 

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